Who is doing the serving?
By Catherine M
“Service is power,” an incarcerated man declared during an online service for Stepping Stone Gathering. I wrote his words down because I believe them and value the passion with which he said them. I needed the support of those words because I was nervous about going into Elmwood that day to share a message of hope. I struggle with impostor syndrome when I go to connect with those inside. My entitlement is a heavy burden that isolates me from those whom I feel called to serve. It’s easy to feel hopeful and optimistic when you are free to come and go, and have the wealth and privilege that comes with a middle class upbringing. I do not want my words to be hollow to the people I hope to serve. I do not want to be a condescending hypocrite. Ugh!
We were studying Mark 10: 35-45, where James and John are confusing power with service when they ask to sit on Jesus’ right and left and share in his glory. Jesus is frustrated because they aren’t understanding him and he responds, “. . . to sit at my right hand or at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared.”
Sometimes my ego gets swirled into my well intentioned service and I wonder, since I doing all these good works, how come I’m still cranky little me? I’m working hard; God owes me grace. Ummm, no, actually. Grace comes to those for whom it has been prepared. It is not earned; there is no contract. I do not get two ounces of grace for two hours of service. Nope.
During that particular visit to Elmwood, a man raised his hand and asked, “Are you truly happy?” I stopped and thought and said what I believe. The desire and seeking of happiness makes me unhappy. When I compare my life to other’s and see that they are happier than I, I feel cheated, left out and cut off from God’s grace. The problem is not God’s neglect; it is my perception that I am receiving less than I deserve. My ego is telling me I am owed more. This makes me unhappy and a little bit desperate. Will I ever be at peace? If I can’t earn God’s grace, how do I get it?
The man’s questions continued, “If I were out in the world, I would not be in church. What made you choose to take the time to come here?” Answering honestly always feels a little like leaping off a high dive. I want to precede my words with a disclaimer that this is just me. I don’t speak for the church. This is only my truth. I pushed through my misgivings and said, “I came because this brings me happiness. This is where I see faith in action. When you gather up to sing, pray and share the concerns of your heart. You don’t have to join the circle. You are entitled to be angry. But you choose to join us and consider hope instead. Happiness is not our default emotion; suffering is. Injustice, dissatisfaction, and boredom cause suffering as does the pursuit of happiness. It is when we reach out to relieve the suffering of another that we connect and anchor ourselves in the joy of being alive. That is what makes me happy and that is what brought me here today.”
He responded. “If you ever wonder if you’re making a difference. You are.”
